Wednesday 18 September 2013

Part Two: The Hardest Goodbye

Talk about hard goodbyes. We drove to the hospital the night before her operation. It was unsettling as we were saying goodbye but we knew we would see her again. It had to be short, which made it even harder, we had to go in one at a time. As we took the elevator down after saying our 'goodbyes' I couldn't help but cry. We started to walk out and were met by our Pastor and another Pastor from India (who is with us right now! Exactly 2 years later) I met him for the first time crying my eyes out! They comforted us separately and I can't remember what they said exactly but it was what I needed to hear! 

On the journey home we posted on Facebook to pray for Naomi, and this I remember so clearly. It was extraordinary and I don't think our Facebook friends realise! 
As we drove home We were checking our Facebook and our ENTIRE NEWS FEED was FILLED with posts about Naomi and praying for her and us. I remember this so clearly as I was reading them out in the car and we all were just amazed and crying a crazy amount! Name after name, comment after comment it built us up and encouraged us more! People who we didn't know would comment on friends post about how they were praying. 
To all who are reading this and posted about Naomi that night thank you. You may never have realised how much it meant to us but it did. What everyone wrote was beautiful and uplifting and made our family feel SO loved! I remember dad saying he couldn't drive as his eyes were filled with water and couldn't see anything! The whole car was a complete CRY FEST! 
Words cannot describe what it was like reading everything from ALL over the world (literally) about Naomi and us. 
As I went to bed that night I felt lonely as I normally share a room with Nay and I couldn't stop thinking about her in a hospital and me in our room. It didn't seem right. 

I awoke that morning to our dear friend and her daughter at the door with breakfast for Nathanel and I. Mum and dad were at the hospital and Verity had to work. Those small acts of kindness really speak loudly. As it was just two of us we didn't really know what to do and it was nice to see our friend with Starbucks coffee and a muffin! 
 I took the day off school as I probably wouldn't have concentrated at all and, at times like these you want to be surrounded by family. 
To be honest I can't remember what I did that day as I didn't know what to do. I mean what ARE you supposed to do when your sister is in a 12 hour operation? Well me and Bud (brother) did what we knew. We prayed we worshipped we spent time with God and waited. A lot of calls to mum and dad for any update and there wasn't. 
The strangest and hardest thing about the day was knowing that while you are at home, there is serious surgery being done not too far away for your sister. And that was hard, I couldn't help but think what part of the surgery they were up to or what they were doing at that exact time.
And it made me think, everyday we enter, somewhere someone is in the same position as me. Waiting, waiting for news about a dear person, who may be in surgery. It happens everyday, so much happens that we don't think about.

Anyway as time rushed by without our notice, Verity got home and we did what we knew to do. At 5 we got a call from Mum who said that as her and dad were pacing corridors waiting they just had to ask a nurse to see if all was ok. I mean 9 hours later and no news? She had to know something, so the nurse went away and came back telling her that Dr M said " tell her not to worry! I told her if she doesn't see me then that means all is well. She does not  have to worry everything is fine" those simple disjointed words were such relief! SHE WAS FINE! Not done, but fine. And for that time, that was enough. 

That night at 8:04pm we got the call. "Naomi has come out of the operation all is well, the doctor saved all of her nerves, she is fine" umm so that equals the BEST NEWS EVER!! 
We were able to see her that night two hours after the operation so our pastor came over who would then drive us to the hospital at 10, which turned into 11pm. 
Anyway it was just us 3 at home and we were told to ring everyone and let them know. That was a joyful experience with the amount of tears and joy over the phone, it was ecstatic and all were so pleased to hear. 
As there was no food in our house we ordered Dominos and ate it with our pastor. 
We drove to the hospital and the next hour was the hardest hour of my life.

It was strange, and really there are no words but I will try my best. She was in a different place and we weren't allowed to see her straight away. We were greeted by our parents who told us all they knew, and then they told us that we will be going in one at a time to see her. We would need to wash our hands and wear a throwaway apron as the place we were going was for serious patients, and there were only three people in that ward, they didn't want disease or bacteria to spread. 
So Verity went in. Nathanael went in. Then I went in.

If anyone knows me they know that I cry, a lot. Dad told us to try not to cry in front of her but be supportive and encouraging. As I waited to see her I did not know what to expect.

So I walked up the corridor, my heart in my throat. I washed my hands, put on the apron and then Dad opened the door. I saw her. Lying there. Not being able to move. I glanced around. Saw what she was wired up to. And turned away and burst into tears. Dad tried to push me in, but I needed a minute. I normally can just pull it altogether, but I couldn't this time. 
All I saw was a half shaven head, a beautiful, young girl listening to her siblings and then around her this white, sterile, white room. Emphasis on the white as it was fully clean and hospital like. The kind you see in movies, that they put on, but no. She was hooked up to everything imaginable, the beeping sound and everything. 

As I turned and sobbed, you can understand the need for a 15 year old girl to 'take a minute'. I sucked it up as I knew I had to and 'thought' I would cry no more. I took a deep breath and entered. Because of the 12 hour operation she couldn't turn her head to the right  I held her hand tightly rambling on to her about things I can't remember. The nurses surprisingly let all 3 of her siblings to surround her and talk. We laughed, encouraged her, made jokes, what we always do. But she was tired and at this point it was about 12pm so we had to be quick. The nurse came round and checked her so often an thats when it hit me, that I am standing around a hospital patient who is my sister. I NEVER thought I would be in this position BUT I had (and have) Grace for every situation life throws our way.
So I was fine, my cry turned into small whimpers as I tried to hold in my tears. But the moment that stopped me and seriously flipped everything around was when we had to go.

As I type this I am tearing up just remembering this unforgettable moment. We had to go, I was holding her hand. I gave her a gentle, light hug and was ready to go when she clutched my hand so tightly whispering
"Please don't leave"

Don't leave. I turned to look at her and broke down into a puddle of tears. It hit me that she would have to stay in this sterile, white, beeping room all night, alone. It pained me to leave, I love her, she is my sister, my best friend, I would have done anything to take her place. 

After a prolonged goodbye we left. It was the hardest goodbye. I knew I was going home to our room and she would not be there.

She didn't remember anything from that night. It is always good to remember it as it was a poignant moment that won't be forgotten. 
The Eighth of September 2011.

Part One: Emily's Story


As I was not aware of what was going on while I was in hospital, my younger sister will share her insight into the day leading up to the operation and the day of. You can check out her blog at

I never thought it would be my sister. I never thought it would be my family. Never thought it would be our issue. I never thought it would happen. 

The day was a blur. The whole summer was a blur. I'm going to rewind a little so you could understand all going on from a different perspective. 
I remember clearly the day I found out it was a "brain tumour" that MY sister had. The words didn't sound right. They made me feel uncomfortable and like it wasn't real. But it was. There were people at our house and I remember our older sister Verity picking up the 'phonecall' that would give us the news. She called our brother Nathanael and I into the office and slowly told us the news. I remember not moving, like my brain had to stop to digest that information. I never knew someone with a brain tumour or what the procedure was. So everything that was about to happen in the next few days were new. 
I cried. Shocked at this news. I cried more when Verity relayed more information.
 "She has to stay over night, and surgery will be tomorrow". 
We prayed, that was the only thing we could do in this situation, a situation that occurs in movies nothing I experienced in real life. 
We went to the hospital that night. It was the first time I went in to a hospital to see someone (let alone my sister). I will be honest I was scared! It was a different place, as people were there because they were sick. And it didn't seem right for our family to be walking in there.

As I first walked in it felt different, as we went up to the tenth floor to see her you had to walk past other patients and that made me sad to see so many other people and so many family members all waiting beside their beds. Did they have a hope? Did they know that Jesus is a comforter? As we walked down the ward there she was. My sister, the girl I shared a room with my whole life (and still do!) My closest friend lying in a hospital bed waiting for surgery?! 

Anyone who knows our family knows we are very close and ALWAYS have fun. So of course, in true Martin family tradition we had a ball! We laughed, we cried, we joked, we prayed, we sang, we cried some more and laughed a little more. We made Nay feel at home, made her feel comfortable. As you all know from reading Nay's other posts you know that she did not have surgery the day after.


Once we found out surgery was postponed our daily routine for roughly 2 weeks was our trip to the hospital! As you read earlier when I first walked in to the hospital I was scared, but strangely after weeks of going in it was like our second home! We didn't want it that way but I knew were every vending machine, kiosk and elevator in that place! I knew how to get to the car park the route there was memorised I knew how long it would take, it became second nature. 
I started my last (and most important year) of secondary school the day before the BIG day. I remember how my tutor welcomed me in with a huge smile on her face asking how my summer was and I hesitantly handed her a note from my parents letting her know what was going on. Her face dropped she was shocked. She quickly comforted me making sure I was alright and emailed all my teachers letting them know that I might not be able to complete work or be in school due to other 'circumstances'.
All the students knew and they were shocked. They kept saying how "unfair it is as you are such an amazing family' and "bad things happen to good people". They were always making sure I was 'ok' and that it was ok to cry as I must be a wreck. But you know what? I was at such peace. Others were probably more worried than I as I knew God was her helper and is our peace, so I was fine holding onto what God says.

Saturday 31 August 2013

He will NEVER leave me, nor forsake me



This deserves a whole new post as it was such a beautiful thing. Jesus came and visited me!!...”WHAT!??” I hear you say, I say yes! Yes Indeed! 
I remember lying there, thinking over everything that just happened, feeling cold, uncomfortable, soar and alone. Then all of a sudden this huge perfectly white light is shining from my left and as clear as a bell I hear Him say ‘Hey, I’m still here, I haven’t gone anywhere, I am still with you.’ I remember having the biggest smile on my face. It was perfect. He is perfect. It was exactly what I needed to hear and it silenced all the worry and doubt and reminded me who was caring for me. 

‘I am cared for by the one who MADE the universe’

(I am not aware of anyone else that has accomplished that, someone like that is worthy of ALL praise and ALL glory!)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Q5zxsFfcUs - A song to praise Him with!

The next morning after sleeping so well I awoke to the final pre-op tests being done. It was early and my parents were there. It was the strangest thing. I got taken to the blacked out 14th floor that did not appear on the elevator buttons but instead to get there you had to call the lift operator to take you there. The room I was wheeled in looked sterile, the air was different, everything was clean and white. There were people in the room fiddling around with various things. An anesthetist explained a few things to me and held up an oxygen mask. He told me to take long deep breaths and count to 30.

One

Two

Three

Fou....

Getting Closer


After a few days of just waiting to hear for what to do next, visitors coming in and sitting in a hospital bed. I had an angio embolism. This is where they fill the blood vessels that where attached to the tumour with glue. I was asleep for this part, and woke up in a recovery room where I had to stay flat for 6 hours. (not exactly fun) It was the day before the operation so they were trying to find a bed for me in CCU (Critical Care Unit) to prep me for the operation. It took from 3pm - 8pm to get bed so I had to wait in the recovery room with my parents and the nurse, who we got to know very well. My parents had to feed me dinner as my arms where starting to get taken over by needles and very soar to bend. I was eating normally again by this point, 3 meals a day and I was hungry! 

It was all peaceful and I was relaxed and calm, then the bed was ready and they wheeled me upstairs. My parents could only come so far for the time being. I started to get a little nervous and anxious realising that it was getting closer and closer to the ‘big day’. I was in a little pain from the procedure as they had to put pressure on it every time they went over a bump on the floor (and there were a lot!), this combined with anxiety and helplessness meant that I was not in a good state. All at once 5 people started moving me from one bed to another, plugging me into machines, putting even more needles into me, it all happened too suddenly and I didn’t like the change. I got a little teary eyed and eventually they let my parents in and this time my siblings where with them to see me before I had the operation. I didn’t want to be left alone in yet another new place, it was cold, there were machines beeping, I was uncomfortable and just wanted to be home. It was a weird feeling, I wasn’t saying goodbye but we all knew that what was happening in a few hours was pretty serious. 

My Pastor was able to visit me past the normal visiting hours as he comes under the category of ‘Spiritual Leader’ and they are allowed in a hospital 24/7. He and another Pastor from India (who I met for the first time in a hospital bed, in CCU, which again I did find a little amusing) encouraged me from Psalm 34 to ‘Bless the Lord at ALL times.’ With just a short visit they left. It was just me. The beeping. A couple of nurses briskly walking around and critical patients to my left and right. As you can imagine I couldn’t get to sleep, but I so desperately wanted to. 

This is when it happened...

Visiting Hours: 2pm-8pm


I loved having visitors. It can get pretty boring in hospital when your on your own in the middle of the day. My brother and family friend AC surprised me one day when I was super bored and we went down to the ground floor where there was a Costa Coffee. We had the biggest hot chocolate I have ever seen. Next thing you know DR.M spots me at Costa and comes over to give me a hug. (I later find out from him that I was his favourite patient!) 






Saturday 24 August 2013

Wednesday 31.08.11


If anyone has swagger its DR.M. He was and is the best doctor I could have had. He is one of the top surgeons for Neurology and he knows his work. I remember when he first walked into the room, he had an air about him and an entourage that followed wherever he went. He wore a pin stripped suit with an orange cravat and lime green socks. He was very charming. 

The early morning of the 31st August he came swooping in and boldly stated ‘I have been looking at the scans all night with my colleague, we have found something which means we need to further investigate before we do anything.’ We and others all prayed that God would give wisdom to my doctors and this was so the work of God making sure that it was done correctly. The decisions were made by him then and there that after he left, the porter and anaesthetists all came up ready to take me down and prep me but the news had not got to them that it was postponed. DR.M had the final say on everything and his judgements in my opinion were always good ones. I was blessed with such a great doctor. 

I had extensive eye tests, they could even see the tumour behind the back of my right eye, it is a training hospital so I had 3 trainee eye doctors all ask to see it. I couldn’t help but find it amusing and tried to keep still and not laugh at them all staring in amazement. 

I had an angiogram which is when they shoot dye in my vein that ran all the way to my head and found out that the tumour was being fed by my blood supply. It was a very strange and uncomfortable experience but the peace of God was so upon me that the nurses were amazed at my calmness and my parents would only ever answer that it was my faith and trust in God. In doing this it meant that if they went ahead with the original plan they would have found this out too late and I would have lost a lot of blood and that would have lead to all sorts of complications. In other words. I was kept. 

I have mentioned that I had a great doctor and I will mention how wonderful some of my nurses were. But I know who the best doctor/nurse was, I knew who really cared about me and that was Jesus. My motto for my time in hospital was ‘I am cared for by the one who made the universe’ You can’t get any bigger, more powerful than that! So I was in safe hands. Whenever the doctors would say all these horrible percentages of survival, or the chances of some nasty things happening. I was never phased as I KNEW that God was bigger than all of it and that He had me in the palm of His hands. 

This brought me back and reminded me how important it was that I learnt how much He cared, loved and saw me. How could I not love Him back. 

Tuesday 30.08.11 - The last day I threw up


By the time it got to August I had several tests and checks to find out what was wrong. I had an endoscopy and they found nothing wrong and no damage to my stomach from all the throwing up!.(Praise God!) I had an MRI at the beginning of August and they discovered a ‘mass’ right by my right ear. It turned out that it was rested on my balancing nerve which threw off my equilibrium which is why I was throwing up so much. This explained why at times when I stood up from just sitting down it would trigger it, and when I arose in the mornings. The ENT doctor suggested I go see Dr.M in London for a consultation who specializes in Neurology to find out more about this ‘mass...’ 

The week before I went to go in for my consultation was physically the worst week and the most difficult, by this point my head was heavy and hard to hold up in the mornings and evenings. Despite this I was able to enjoy family day trips around the country. At this point I also wasn’t able to hold anything down either so I was running on empty. But somehow I found strength from God to push through and kept going forward despite how I felt and I felt bad. We got back on the Monday and on the Tuesday (30.08.11) was when we went in. This was the last day I threw up!!!! 

After waiting for a long time to be seen we go in for the hopes of some answers. His third in command just simply looks at the paper work and says come back in 3 days and we will give you another scan. 

I could not wait another three days. 

This is when the favour of God comes into play. A close family friend who works with the hospitals met us at the appointment and simply asked if there is any chance if I could have a scan today. He made some calls and said ‘would you be fine to wait an hour or so?’ we said yes, I could hold on for a couple more hours. Once my scan had finished and they looked at them, then came the news.

‘You have a brain tumour’ - ‘We have to admit you tonight’ - ‘We need to operate tomorrow’ -  ‘We need to get it out as soon as we can’ - ‘Your going to have to stay here over night’

It all came as a shock but I was relived to get answers and I was in the right place to get help, to be on my way out. We told my siblings and my Pastor drove them over. I was very glad to see them, I am so thankful for my family and the love and support they give. Now not a lot of people knew that I was sick, I tried to hide or not bring it up as I didn’t know what to say when people asked. My siblings put it out there on facebook, I’m sure it was a shock to many but everyone responded stating their support, love and prayers. 







There will be an end!


It started to get a little tiresome now, I did not like having to adjust my life around throwing up, I did not want to accept it as the norm. I did not want it to stay. It got tougher and tougher to shake of being sick as it started to get worse, not being able to bounce back so quickly. It drained me, I didn't have much of an appetite and could only eat in the evenings, so I found my self getting weaker physically. But I had to make a conscious decision everyday that even though my flesh got weaker, spiritually I wasn’t. A scripture that really helped me was Psalm 73: 25-26 which reads: ‘Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart my fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.‘’ I found that being continually filled by Him strengthened me, even in the silence my mum and I made sure that it was not a time for lies and doubt to speak to me as I rested. So she would put on worship DVDs, or just play entire albums of Matt Redman, Chris Tomlin, just worshipful music. I started to see that this sickness was not going to last forever. There will be an end. A song that some of you may know by Matt Redman, ‘You never let go’ was a help to all of us in the family. My favourite part being:

‘Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You’



Thats all I could do. Praise. That was my saving strength and I saw more and more how powerful pure worship is. 

I like to visualize things and picture things to aid my understanding or grasp on things. I saw my self in a valley, it was dark, lots of shadows and death lurking around (know what Psalm I’m thinking of?) But I saw God as my shepherd, He in His most pure love took me by the hand and we walked up that mountain together, and we would take it step by step until we reached the top and the view would be so glorious, so breath taking, so perfect that it was worth the climb.

Reaching a point of knowing how He saw me, how He loved me and how He cared prepared me for what laid ahead. 

Saturday 2 March 2013

Does God love me?


This question definitely crossed my mind more than once, I have to admit. I didn’t know where this sickness came from, why it was here and when it was going to go. I thought that He was punishing me for something, but I would rack my brain trying to think of something and got myself all entangled with my thoughts. I needed to know that God cared; I needed to know that I was worth fighting for, because all I could see was just a bag of bones not worth saving.
My view had to change in order for me to be on the right path of getting well. I watched DVDs about God’s love, I read, and I listened but nothing was hitting home.
By this time it was May and I had an exam to do for my first year in university. I wasn't well enough to go by myself as it was somewhere I had never been before and was an hour away from my house. So my mum came with me, (I did feel embarrassed but I knew I needed help!). That morning I asked God if He would show me how much He loved me.
 We got to the exam place and I sat down to do my test. Thirty minutes into it I looked up and everything was spinning. My eyes couldn’t focus and I felt like I was going to throw up! I thought to myself ‘oh God please don’t make me puke in front of all these people’! I put my hand up to go to the bathroom and an examiner led me to the bathroom. When inside I just prayed and prayed and called out to God for strength.  I felt a little better and walked out the bathroom. The lady saw my face and hers dropped from a smile. I told her I wasn’t well and went to go get my teacher. As I was sitting in the foyer this boy leaned over and asked: ‘Are you OK? I’m concerned about you?’ No one’s ever said that to me before nor would I think a stranger would say ‘I’m concerned about you’!  I was so touched and reassured him that I would be alright and he offered his services if I needed anything. My teacher came down and gave me options about finishing the test, and I said I just want to finish it and told him that my mum was nearby to help. I finished quickly and came down to find my friend had finished too. She sat with me and kept me occupied. My teacher, whom I wasn’t fond of because of how he would do certain things, offered to give my mum, my friend and me a ride home! I was shocked and a little nervous to get into his car, but I wasn’t going to be alone. He drove us all the way back to our road. It was the kindness of God to do that for me.
I can’t see what lies ahead of me, but I know that God can. I saw that God had my day planned out perfectly; He made sure that every step of the way I was cared for and loved, even by people I didn’t expect it from. I believe the love of God is seen through people and their actions, which is just a glimpse of what God does for us. He uses other people to bless us and remind us of what He has done.
I can say, without doubt or wavering, that God loves me.

Thursday 28 February 2013

The only place to start - is from the beginning




In March 2011 I noticed that my hearing in my right ear was different. I couldn’t hear like I was used to, and I need my ears as my passion is working with audio. At my church I am one of the sound technicians and had been doing so since I was 14. I just dismissed it at first and thought it was my phone that was making me not hear correctly. 

My stomach also started to pose a problem. I would get sudden pains in my stomach and wouldn’t know what would bring them on. After about a week of having these pains, I started to throw up... non-stop. By the third night I asked my parents to take me to the hospital. I have never said this before and was a little afraid. My older sister had to help me walk to the car and get around in the hospital and it was a long wait before I was seen. Once a doctor came they took blood but found nothing unusual and just gave me something to drink to get my strength back.

After a few days I was able to get strength back and everything seemed normal for about two weeks. Then it started all over again and this time it was every morning when I woke up. I did not like this one bit and neither did my family. We prayed and we stood against whatever it was. It became an unfortunate start to everyday. It was tough and I had to re-direct my mind each time. There were days when I wouldn’t want to get out of bed, but my family and friends were a great support in shaking me out of it! 

Plain and simple, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired! My mum and brother and sister came and had to physically get me out of bed as I was weak. They encouraged my to praise the Lord. So my brother got his Guitar, my sister sang, and my mum helped prop me up. But I didn’t want to. My reasoning going on in my head was, I’m not going to do it just because they want me to do it. Then he spoke. God whispered to me and said ‘Wouldn’t I be there playing the guitar, wouldn’t I be there singing with you and holding you up? Wouldn’t I do the same for you to help you?’ I broke down as I usually do when He talks to me because it’s always perfect. I was being plain right stubborn! But God being rich in mercy had people around me to help me get out of the state I was in. I submitted to God and repented and I worshipped Him and it helped me get back on my feet and do what I had to do! 

Worship is key! One day I was struggling to get out of bed (again). I knew that I was going to throw up and I didn’t want to; I was afraid. I cried out to God for help and He said “strengthen yourself with Psalm 100”. So I read it. He said “read it again and again and again” so I read it again and again and again until I was believing it. Then He said “get out of bed reading it” and I did! I didn’t get up and have to run to the bathroom; I walked! I was so happy that I didn’t throw up I just sang praises to God for what he did for me! Then it hit me. Before, I was worshipping God out of my desperation or to distract myself when I really should be praising Him for who He is and what He has done. It was simple.

It is important what comes out of your mouth and every time I threw-up I made sure that ‘I will bless the Lord at ALL times...’ I distracted myself from me and concentrated on God and what He had for me and enabled me to do in that day. It become the norm that I would throw-up but continue with my day like nothing happened.