He will NEVER leave me, nor forsake me

This deserves a whole new post as it was such a beautiful thing. Jesus came and visited me!!...”WHAT!??” I hear you say, I say yes! Yes Indeed! 

I remember lying there, thinking over everything that just happened, feeling cold, uncomfortable, soar and alone. Then all of a sudden this huge perfectly white light is shining from my left and as clear as a bell I hear Him say ‘Hey, I’m still here, I haven’t gone anywhere, I am still with you.’ I remember having the biggest smile on my face. It was perfect. He is perfect. It was exactly what I needed to hear and it silenced all the worry and doubt and reminded me who was caring for me. 

‘I am cared for by the one who MADE the universe’

(I am not aware of anyone else that has accomplished that, someone like that is worthy of ALL praise and ALL glory!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Q5zxsFfcUs - A song to praise Him with!

The next morning after sleeping so well I awoke to the final pre-op tests being done. It was early and my parents were there. It was the strangest thing. I got taken to the blacked out 14th floor that did not appear on the elevator buttons but instead to get there you had to call the lift operator to take you there. The room I was wheeled in looked sterile, the air was different, everything was clean and white. There were people in the room fiddling around with various things. An anesthetist explained a few things to me and held up an oxygen mask. He told me to take long deep breaths and count to 30.

One

Two

Three

Fou....

Getting Closer

After a few days of just waiting to hear for what to do next, visitors coming in and sitting in a hospital bed. I had an angio embolism. This is where they fill the blood vessels that where attached to the tumour with glue. I was asleep for this part, and woke up in a recovery room where I had to stay flat for 6 hours. (not exactly fun) It was the day before the operation so they were trying to find a bed for me in CCU (Critical Care Unit) to prep me for the operation. It took from 3pm - 8pm to get bed so I had to wait in the recovery room with my parents and the nurse, who we got to know very well. My parents had to feed me dinner as my arms where starting to get taken over by needles and very soar to bend. I was eating normally again by this point, 3 meals a day and I was hungry! 

It was all peaceful and I was relaxed and calm, then the bed was ready and they wheeled me upstairs. My parents could only come so far for the time being. I started to get a little nervous and anxious realising that it was getting closer and closer to the ‘big day’. I was in a little pain from the procedure as they had to put pressure on it every time they went over a bump on the floor (and there were a lot!), this combined with anxiety and helplessness meant that I was not in a good state. All at once 5 people started moving me from one bed to another, plugging me into machines, putting even more needles into me, it all happened too suddenly and I didn’t like the change. I got a little teary eyed and eventually they let my parents in and this time my siblings where with them to see me before I had the operation. I didn’t want to be left alone in yet another new place, it was cold, there were machines beeping, I was uncomfortable and just wanted to be home. It was a weird feeling, I wasn’t saying goodbye but we all knew that what was happening in a few hours was pretty serious. 

My Pastor was able to visit me past the normal visiting hours as he comes under the category of ‘Spiritual Leader’ and they are allowed in a hospital 24/7. He and another Pastor from India (who I met for the first time in a hospital bed, in CCU, which again I did find a little amusing) encouraged me from Psalm 34 to ‘Bless the Lord at ALL times.’ With just a short visit they left. It was just me. The beeping. A couple of nurses briskly walking around and critical patients to my left and right. As you can imagine I couldn’t get to sleep, but I so desperately wanted to. 

This is when it happened...

Visiting Hours: 2pm-8pm

I loved having visitors. It can get pretty boring in hospital when your on your own in the middle of the day. My brother and family friend AC surprised me one day when I was super bored and we went down to the ground floor where there was a Costa Coffee. We had the biggest hot chocolate I have ever seen. Next thing you know DR.M spots me at Costa and comes over to give me a hug. (I later find out from him that I was his favourite patient!) 

Wednesday 31.08.11

If anyone has swagger its DR.M. He was and is the best doctor I could have had. He is one of the top surgeons for Neurology and he knows his work. I remember when he first walked into the room, he had an air about him and an entourage that followed wherever he went. He wore a pin stripped suit with an orange cravat and lime green socks. He was very charming. 

The early morning of the 31st August he came swooping in and boldly stated ‘I have been looking at the scans all night with my colleague, we have found something which means we need to further investigate before we do anything.’ We and others all prayed that God would give wisdom to my doctors and this was so the work of God making sure that it was done correctly. The decisions were made by him then and there that after he left, the porter and anaesthetists all came up ready to take me down and prep me but the news had not got to them that it was postponed. DR.M had the final say on everything and his judgements in my opinion were always good ones. I was blessed with such a great doctor. 

I had extensive eye tests, they could even see the tumour behind the back of my right eye, it is a training hospital so I had 3 trainee eye doctors all ask to see it. I couldn’t help but find it amusing and tried to keep still and not laugh at them all staring in amazement. 

I had an angiogram which is when they shoot dye in my vein that ran all the way to my head and found out that the tumour was being fed by my blood supply. It was a very strange and uncomfortable experience but the peace of God was so upon me that the nurses were amazed at my calmness and my parents would only ever answer that it was my faith and trust in God. In doing this it meant that if they went ahead with the original plan they would have found this out too late and I would have lost a lot of blood and that would have lead to all sorts of complications. In other words. I was kept. 

I have mentioned that I had a great doctor and I will mention how wonderful some of my nurses were. But I know who the best doctor/nurse was, I knew who really cared about me and that was Jesus. My motto for my time in hospital was ‘I am cared for by the one who made the universe’ You can’t get any bigger, more powerful than that! So I was in safe hands. Whenever the doctors would say all these horrible percentages of survival, or the chances of some nasty things happening. I was never phased as I KNEW that God was bigger than all of it and that He had me in the palm of His hands. 

This brought me back and reminded me how important it was that I learnt how much He cared, loved and saw me. How could I not love Him back. 

Tuesday 30.08.11 - The last day I threw up

By the time it got to August I had several tests and checks to find out what was wrong. I had an endoscopy and they found nothing wrong and no damage to my stomach from all the throwing up!.(Praise God!) I had an MRI at the beginning of August and they discovered a ‘mass’ right by my right ear. It turned out that it was rested on my balancing nerve which threw off my equilibrium which is why I was throwing up so much. This explained why at times when I stood up from just sitting down it would trigger it, and when I arose in the mornings. The ENT doctor suggested I go see Dr.M in London for a consultation who specializes in Neurology to find out more about this ‘mass...’ 

The week before I went to go in for my consultation was physically the worst week and the most difficult, by this point my head was heavy and hard to hold up in the mornings and evenings. Despite this I was able to enjoy family day trips around the country. At this point I also wasn’t able to hold anything down either so I was running on empty. But somehow I found strength from God to push through and kept going forward despite how I felt and I felt bad. We got back on the Monday and on the Tuesday (30.08.11) was when we went in. This was the last day I threw up!!!! 

After waiting for a long time to be seen we go in for the hopes of some answers. His third in command just simply looks at the paper work and says come back in 3 days and we will give you another scan. 

I could not wait another three days. 

This is when the favour of God comes into play. A close family friend who works with the hospitals met us at the appointment and simply asked if there is any chance if I could have a scan today. He made some calls and said ‘would you be fine to wait an hour or so?’ we said yes, I could hold on for a couple more hours. Once my scan had finished and they looked at them, then came the news.

‘You have a brain tumour’ - ‘We have to admit you tonight’ - ‘We need to operate tomorrow’ -  ‘We need to get it out as soon as we can’ - ‘Your going to have to stay here over night’

It all came as a shock but I was relived to get answers and I was in the right place to get help, to be on my way out. We told my siblings and my Pastor drove them over. I was very glad to see them, I am so thankful for my family and the love and support they give. Now not a lot of people knew that I was sick, I tried to hide or not bring it up as I didn’t know what to say when people asked. My siblings put it out there on facebook, I’m sure it was a shock to many but everyone responded stating their support, love and prayers. 

There will be an end!

It started to get a little tiresome now, I did not like having to adjust my life around throwing up, I did not want to accept it as the norm. I did not want it to stay. It got tougher and tougher to shake of being sick as it started to get worse, not being able to bounce back so quickly. It drained me, I didn't have much of an appetite and could only eat in the evenings, so I found my self getting weaker physically. But I had to make a conscious decision everyday that even though my flesh got weaker, spiritually I wasn’t. A scripture that really helped me was Psalm 73: 25-26 which reads: ‘Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart my fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.‘’ I found that being continually filled by Him strengthened me, even in the silence my mum and I made sure that it was not a time for lies and doubt to speak to me as I rested. So she would put on worship DVDs, or just play entire albums of Matt Redman, Chris Tomlin, just worshipful music. I started to see that this sickness was not going to last forever. There will be an end. A song that some of you may know by Matt Redman, ‘You never let go’ was a help to all of us in the family. My favourite part being:

‘Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on

And there will be an end to these troubles

But until that day comes

Still I will praise You, still I will praise You’

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y83-vMeWc9E

Thats all I could do. Praise. That was my saving strength and I saw more and more how powerful pure worship is. 

I like to visualize things and picture things to aid my understanding or grasp on things. I saw my self in a valley, it was dark, lots of shadows and death lurking around (know what Psalm I’m thinking of?) But I saw God as my shepherd, He in His most pure love took me by the hand and we walked up that mountain together, and we would take it step by step until we reached the top and the view would be so glorious, so breath taking, so perfect that it was worth the climb.

Reaching a point of knowing how He saw me, how He loved me and how He cared prepared me for what laid ahead.